Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I was told that I have my mother's eyes today.

Strangest will I've ever heard!  

 

[Shamal]

I bought one of those dna genealogy tests for my pet frog the other month and we got the results back today.  Apparently he’s a little bit French, part Scottish & a tad Pole.?

 

[Tackle]

I bought one of those dna genealogy tests for my pet frog the other month and we got the results back today.  Apparently he’s a little bit French, part Scottish & a tad Pole.?

Talking of frogs ?

View attachment 88321

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Uncle Bob was at the opticians. 

'I got some semen in one of my pupils last week, will it cause me any harm?'

Rather shocked the optician stammers out, 'Oh no, I'm sure that you'll be fine. '

'Thank fuck for that,' says Bob,  'her parents were going to go to the school and the police. ' 

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I asked my friend John if being deaf held him back as a gynaecologist. 

'No,' he replied, 'I'm dead good at lip reading.'  

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

After weeks of trying to get an appointment, the doctor finally had a look at the annoying rash on my bollocks.

I couldn't believe it.   He just pushed his trolley away and carried on shopping! 

 

[Skullchewer]

What does Jeff Beezoss do before bed? 

Puts his pajamazon

 

[Shamal]

French Navy coming to Portsmouth. The French Navy will be visiting Portsmouth and unveiling their new motto ‘To the water, it’s there’ or as the French would say it ‘A l’eau, c’est la'

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

French Navy coming to Portsmouth. The French Navy will be visiting Portsmouth and unveiling their new motto ‘To the water, it’s there’ or as the French would say it ‘A l’eau, c’est la'

Jesus wept!  ? 

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

For years I've given £5 each month to cats protection.

I only missed two payments and the swine have come round to my house and broken my cats legs!  

 

[John_W]

Chuck Norris is hosting the Oscars next year. When he tells jokes about their wives, husbands will slap themselves.

 

[Skullchewer]

Chuck Norris is hosting the Oscars next year. When he tells jokes about their wives, husbands will slap themselves.

I laughed so hard I dropped my phone.

But it was on Aeroplane mode so it landed safely.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

What do you call a man without a dog?

Dogless...

 

[Skullchewer]

What do you call a man without a dog?

Dogless...

Oh, we're going there are we?

What do you call a man with shovel in his head?

Dug.

 

[Tackle]

In that case, meet my mate Hamed

View attachment 88568

 

[Skullchewer]

And what do you call a man WITHOUT a shovel in his head?

 

[Tackle]

And what do you call a man WITHOUT a shovel in his head?

Dugless ? 

 

[Shamal]

What do you call a man without a dog?

Dogless...

Mmm.

I couldn't find an embarresed laugh smiley so reluctantly gave the haha.

?

Dugless ? 

Stop now!

I am a little concerned about my friend, as he told me this morning, "I saw a badger on the way to work."
It’s lovely to see some native wildlife, but what I’m concerned about is, how the fuck did he know it was on it's way to work??

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I did a stand up routine for a talent show once.

I had a damn good joke about a fat badger, but I couldn't fit it into my set.  

 

[Guest]

What do you call an elevator that stops on floor 12 when you press the floor 10 button, floor 7 when you press the floor 2 button, and floor 3 when you press the floor 5 button?

Wrong on so many levels ??