Tell Us a Gag. Please!

I gave up bread to lose weight, but it didn't work out because I'm lack toast intolerant...

 
A great way to lose weight is to eat while you are naked and standing in front of a mirror.  Restaurants will always throw you out before you can eat...

 
A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door

"Is your dad or mum home?" said the farmer.

"No, they went to town."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No, he went with Mum and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling to himself.

"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".

The boy thought for a moment...

"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges £500 for the bull and £50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard"

 
  It is with great sadness I have to announce the death of West Yorkshire’s former Chief Olympic hide and seek coach. 
  Matthew Donovan was forced to retire from the role several years ago after a training exercise involving the teams rising star went seriously wrong, leading to his imprisonment for kidnapping.

  In recent times he had made something of a comeback in the “Vampire Dairys”. A story of pioneering  work done raising the worlds first meat eating cattle. 
  He was always in the shadow of his more illustrious brother Mike “big V” Donovan who led the successful resistance against the space Lizard invasion. 
  RIP Dickhead.

 
If you don't know the difference between "there", "their" and '"they're" then your an wally

 
What’s the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom?

One snatches your watch and the other watches your snatch.

 
I asked the man in the shop "Have you got any Bulldog clips?"

He replied "No, but I've got a nice video of a Jack Russell"

 
A lady walks into a fancy jewellery shop.She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet, and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a salesperson doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may not have been there at the time of her little "accident!" she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"

He answers, "Madam if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price.

 
If anyone has any ideas how to fix the terrible condensation problem that we have in our house, please feel free to pop round anytime...

the kettle’s always on.

 
Just met Leo Sayer in the local pub. He said "You look like Sam from Cheers "

He made me feel like Danson!

 
Because of the hot weather over the next few days, my boss has said we can bring shorts to work.
Jack Daniels it is then!

 
I hate being tailgated, especially when you're already doing 70 in a 30.

And this blokes aftermarket blue lights are bloody annoying too...

 
Policeman said "you were  doing 75 mph sir" 

"That's a lie officer", I replied."I've only been out for twenty minutes"

 
Yesterday I accidentally stepped on a copy of the Daily Mail and then had to spend ages hunting round to find some dog shit to wipe it off with.

 
IM GOING TO WRITE ALL MY JOKES IN CAPITALS. THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN CARDIFF.

 
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