Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Shamal]

I'm burying a halloween skeleton in a shallow grave under my patio. 

Should be funny for the next guy who digs it up in 30 years

Fuck yeah!! ?

 

[Dan Robinson]

As someone who lived in Gloucester when that all kicked off.. I approve LOL

Actually, my old man named his last pair of cats Fred and Rosey as they had a thing for finding their way and hiding under floorboards. 

When the investigations were taking place we used to get crime tourists coming to see the house.... Being long before SatNav, we used to send people miles out of their way, on some occasions even Cheltenham LOL. 

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

 

[Dan Robinson]

Not the same topic... But for some reason this popped in my head. 

If you know.... You know.... 

 

[Tackle]

Actually, my old man named his last pair of cats Fred and Rosey

Cats, yeah I get that, but my divvy Niece called her first kid Fred 7 years ago, no issues, & then 4 years ago had another sprog, AND CALLED HER ROSE FFS. 

& we're like "really, Fred & Rose" & she's like "I don't know what your getting at" ?

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[Dan Robinson]

That's something special ?????

 

[Shamal]

This year I wasn't sure whether to get my mum another birthday card or one of those jumper-type garments with buttons up the front.

So I bought her a card again.

 

[Dan Robinson]

Took me a while....  LOL

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

What has more brains than Kurt Kobain?

The wall behind him. 

 

[Shamal]

So it was Mrs shamals girlie weekend last week and I was feeling neglected. I had £25 pounds save up so took myself off to Pompey docks and hired a lady of the night( I say night but it was about 6.30pm because it's cheaper before 9pm. Rush hour)

And I know £25 is a lot but it's only once a year.

Anywho we do the business and afterwards the cheeky mare says "You've not got a very big organ have you" to which I reply " yeah well I've never had to play in a fuckin' Cathedral before!"

"Fair enough" she says and gives me a fiver back. 

P.s none of above is true. Purely to personalize the gag.??

Qué Mr Tackle.....lol

 

[Adolf Hamster]

P.s none of above is true. Purely to personalize the gag.?

 

[Shamal]

What do you call a cow with no legs?…….ground beef

What do you call a cow with two legs?….lean beef

What do you call a cow with a twitch?….beef jerky

What do you call a cow that’s just given birth?….decalfeinated

What do you call a dog with no legs? ….You can call him anything you want ’cause he’s not coming

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

'Women are such gossips,' said Uncle Bob, 'they're always telling the police about your sex life.'

 

[AirSniper]

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[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I snore so loudly that I scare the passengers in my car apparently.  

 

[Shamal]

A five-year-old girl went to the office with her father on”Take Your Kid to Work Day".

As they were walking around the office,the young girl started crying and getting very cranky.Her father asked what was wrong with her.

As the staff gathered round,she sobbed loudly:”Daddy,where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?”

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I don't take anything in the newspaper seriously, except for fish and chips.

And even that I take with a pinch of salt.

 

[Shamal]

My mate rod was a fisherman. Loved it and was very good at it even though he only had one hand. 

Every fish he caught was always this long ...........

 

[Shamal]

So I said to Mrs shamal "my wedding ring is getting tight,I might have to take it off" 

"No you won't"she said.

"But its cutting off my circulation!"

"Well that's the point of wearing it really"she replied.?

I never knew what happiness was until I got married and then it was too late.

 

[Dan Robinson]

Oooohhhh  - Just found my old "Funny Pics Folder".  Some of these go back 20 years or more.

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