Tell Us a Gag. Please!

I was told it’s fine to allow your pets to sleep on your bed.

But thanks to that advice, my two goldfish are now very poorly.

 
Why don't blind people go bungee jumping?

It scares the shit out of the dogs.






Man the videos this channel make are hilarious.

 
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Apologies for this very contrived offering.

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £10,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the pound as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...

(You're going to hate me for this...)

'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 @ Tesco 

 
Two elderly southern widows are sitting on one of their porches talking about how good their husbands had been to them.

The first woman says, “On my first wedding anniversary, my husband bought me a gold ring.”

The second woman says (with a southern drawl), “That’s niiiiiiiiiiiiiiice.”

The first woman says, “On my tenth wedding anniversary, my husband bought me a diamond necklace.”

The second woman says, “That’s niiiiiiiiiiiiiiice.”

The first woman says, “And on my twenty-fifth wedding anniversary, my husband bought me a trip around the world.”

The second woman says, “That’s niiiiiiiiiiiiiiice.”

The first woman says, “And what did your husband ever buy for you?”

The second woman says, “Well, on my first wedding anniversary, my husband bought me lessons at a school of etiquette.”

The first woman says, “Lessons at a school of etiquette? Well, why in the world would he buy you something like that?”

The second woman says, “So I’d learn how to say that’s nice instead of who the fuck cares.”

 
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Two blondes fell down a hole.

One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?"

The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see!"

 
I asked my daughter to pass me the phone book.

She called me a dinosaur and laughed and handed me her iPhone.

Anyway the spider is dead,the iPhone is broken and my daughter is furious.?

 
I got a part time job making plastic Draculas.

It's great but there are only two of us; so I have to make every second count...

 
Thor the Norse warrior is killed in battle, he arrives in Valhalla and is greeted by Odin the great god, after a while Thor is sorely missing the pleasures of a woman and keeps on pleading with Odin to allow him to go back to earth one last time to satisfy himself, finally Odin agrees with one condition that he does not tell the woman his name, Thor readily agrees and after a night of very passionate lovemaking he is very pleased with himself and decides when the lady comes back from the bathroom he would tell her who he is, "I’m Thor" he shouts beating his chest, " YOU'RE THORE?" she exclaims "I’m so thore l could hardly pith"

 
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