Tell Us a Gag. Please!

I think my ex is missing me. While on a walk in the local cemetery she texted me and told me she wished I was there too

 
A man received the following text from his neighbor:

"I am so sorry Bob. I'm riddled with guilt and I have to confess.”

I have been tapping your wife for many weeks now.

I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse.

I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again"

The heartbroken man, enraged, went into his bedroom, grabbed his wife, and threw her out the back door. Then he locked the door.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

– Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife

 
My weight loss goal is simple.  I just want to lie on the beach without marine biologists pouring buckets of water over me.

 
My friends and I are having a competition between us, to see who can steal the most from our local pet shop.

This week I managed to take the lead.

 
I dig

You dig

We dig

He dig

She dig

They dig

It's not a beautiful poem but it's very deep

 
My girlfriend is always finding things to complain about. Yesterday she said when peeing at night I should aim for the side of the bowl to keep the noise down

Today she's saying her cornflakes taste funny

 
Went to a building supplies store to buy some new roofing materials.  On arrival I discovered their stock was low.  All-in-all a rather few tile journey

 
Got a new job at the wheel factory.  Got elected as the shop steward too.

I'm now the official spokesperson.  

 
An elderly couple was just settled down for bed when the old man realized he left the lights on in the garage in the backyard.

Then they heard voices.

Three men had broken into the garage

Scared, they called the police.

The dispatcher replied he would send an officer as soon as one became available as they were all out on calls.

The old man waited for a few minutes and called Dispatch again.

He told Dispatch, "Don't worry about sending an officer, I shot the robbers and now the dogs are eating their bodies!"

In no time at all, police were all over the place and captured the robbers red-handed!

One of the cops asked the old man, "I thought you said you shot the robbers and your dogs were eating them.

"The old man replied, "I thought you said, there weren't any officers available."

 
I went for a walk in the woods, late evening and saw this wise looking bird.  But as I got nearer, it told me to clear off.  I think it must have had irritable owl syndrome

 
I spent the whole morning building a time machine – that’s four hours of my life I’m definitely getting back.

 
Boy: "I got an F in arithmetic."

Father: "Why?"

Boy: "The teacher asked 'How much is 2×3?' and I said '6'"

Father: "But that's right!"

Boy: "Then she asked me 'How much is 3×2?'"

Father: "What's the fucking difference?"

Boy: "That's exactly what I said

 
I've just bought a book on how to overcome kleptomania. Well, I say bought....

 
I read that taking your bike to work is good for the environment.
So I thought, why not?
I'm not using that roof rack for anything else....

 
Since my friend started working at the grease factory, it's been really difficult trying to get hold of her.

 
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